From Scrubs to Code

The narrative of a medical student who became a software engineer.

Life Without a Plus-One: The Little Things You Miss

Ever find yourself reminiscing about those little moments that make a relationship so special?

You’re in a similar situation to me. Your relationship ended, and you’re missing the things that you once adored so much: the companionship, the affection, the intimacy, etc. You’re wanting to relive those moments, to do a control + Z, but you know that there are better moments that are awaiting ahead. There are more suitable people that will show up in your life. You just need to wait.

So, let’s explore the heartstrings that are tugging at your heart, making you want to contact them, to reach out to them — not quite to get back together — but to fill that void that you had the pleasure of experiencing in your relationship. This is a void that you know will be filled eventually as time passes, but you just need to get through this hurdle.

Here are some of the things that you may be missing after a break up. It’s natural to miss these things. It’s perfectly okay to feel sad or have desires to message them. The key thing is that if you’re able to identify them, then you’re able to take a step back, assess the moment, and have an action on what you actually want to do, rather than one that is swayed by a feeling, an emotion.

And, once you manage the feeling, then, you could decide if you want to message them. But, never message someone with an emotional state of mind. First, breathe.

The Joy of Shared Happiness
When you’re carrying out your life, and you just won an award or graduated from a program, you want to share the excitement with someone you love. You think about your best friends across the world and the girlies who have always been by your side, but you also wish having a significant other who would gladly celebrate your accomplishments with you. You may find yourself missing that person who used to text you everyday, celebrate all the small occasions, and cheer you on in life.

Your first solo travel trip.
The time you skydived despite your fears of heights.
Moving to a whole new country.

It’s a natural feeling of longing, of companionship. Embrace it. Recognize it. Then, transition that feeling of loss into creating new memories and experiences with those who uplift you. It honestly could be yourself, or your family and friends. Your joy is your own, regardless of who is celebrating with you.

The Journey of Learning and Growing Together
When you’re with someone, whether for months or years, you experience new things with your partner. And, in that process, you naturally grow together, whether it’s learning how to communicate better, supporting each other through challenges, or simply learning more about a relationship and yourself. It’s knowing that you’re not only improving yourself but also someone else that makes you more than happy.

However, just because a relationship ends doesn’t mean that you have to say goodbye to that period of growth. The growth will continue; in fact, most growth happens exponentially after a major event, and, often, when you are faced with being on your own. The lessons you have learned in the relationship don’t disappear. They stay with you, and, now you have the opportunity to apply those lessons in new ways.

Learn to grow on your own, so, when you’re ready to start another adventure with someone else, you will find someone who also values that personal growth and also inspires you to be a better person.

The Thrill of Shared Dreams and Goals
The thrill of sharing a dream and a goal and working toward that is quite exhilarating. Working toward a common vision brings a sense of purpose and excitement in the relationship. And, when you’re working on it as a couple, there is that sense of bonding toward building something together.

What dream did you have with them?
Traveling to Thailand?
Creating an aesthetically unique mocktail speakeasy?
Designing a fitness app for the military?

If they’re a part of your dream, you can still accomplish those goals, but this time by yourself or with others. You could obtain a similar thrill through finding a business partner or immersing yourself into a world of entrepreneurship.

When you’re single, you have the opportunity to refocus your dreams and create a life that truly aligns with just you. You don’t need to worry about a partner’s schedule, life goals, or aspirations. You don’t need to worry if they want children now vs. a few years down the line. Everything that you want is focused on what makes you happy.

So, that breakup, the pain you’re experiencing, see it as a massive opportunity to align a life that is suitable for you.

The Warmth of Feeling Loved
Love doesn’t disappear just because a relationship ended. The love that you experienced for them was and is real. It has shaped your life. You felt a sense of comfort, security, affection — a sense of belonging. You know that there is someone out there who made you feel special and who has played an enormous impact in your life.

When that relationship ended, the love that you have for them doesn’t have to end. But, it can be redirected in a healthier form. You realized that you two are fantastic people with adventurous lives, but you are not the best fit for each other. You can love someone by letting them go so that they could find someone who will also make them happy in a way that you were not able to. And, while you let them go, you will redirect that love that you’re missing to filling yourself with the love that you have of you. You will surround yourself with the people who love you and cherish you as much as you cherish yourself.

Love comes in many forms. You can give love to others around you. And, you can welcome love in ways unexpected.

The Intimacy, Emotionally and Physically
Let’s be honest. Intimacy is a huge portion of a relationship, and, that doesn’t mean just physically but also emotionally. This person was your go-to for venting when you had a hard day, for bouncing off ideas for new adventures, or just for being someone who will listen to your random shenanigans. When you break up, you lose that “go-to” person for communication. That person that you only shared that naked truth with of anything that was on your mind.

That’s when you could turn toward friends, seek therapy, or journal down your feelings that you once have and reflect on it in a productive manner. These are all outlets that can be even healthier and more valuable than the emotional connection you had with that person. Why? Because, once you develop another form of connection, no matter what happens in your life, you always know that there is something you can fall back on. So, you don’t feel forced to stay in relationship that is not giving you justice.

The physical aspect — it’s the comfort of having someone to hold onto, of cuddling up next to someone on that chilly night, or even just having a familiar presence next to you. So, my question is: what activities makes you feel good in your own skin? Getting a new haircut, changing up your wardrobe, partner dancing, working out?

You can redirect certain emotions you had into other forms, all the while developing yourself.

The Comfort of Inside Jokes and Humor
Those little quips or silly moments where only you two understood a situation — it’s the inside jokes and shared humors that kept bringing lightness and joy to your everyday life. Inside jokes are more than just laughs; they’re a form of connection, a reminder that you and your partner were on the same wavelength, understanding each other in a way no one else could.

Remember the time that they scrunched their nose and smirked when someone else made a comment? “Civilian life.”

These memories — they will always be with you. When you experience new ones with others, you could remember the moment you had with that person, and instead of it bringing sadness, it’ll bring you laughter because you had the opportunity to even experience that life. Humor is a great tool for healing and connecting with others.

When you welcome all the emotions you’re experiencing — happiness and sadness — you can ease up the pain of a breakup.

The Feminine and Masculine Energy
The dynamic between femininity and masculinity parallels a flirtatious dance. Whether it’s the gesture of having a door opened for one, ushered toward the inside of a curb to be protected from the cars, or having someone take the lead on paying the bills…the idea of being cared for, protected, and even admired creates a sense of balance and fulfillment. It allows you to step in your femininity and give up the power of always knowing the next step in your life.

In a healthy relationship, the masculine energy brings leadership, stability, and a safe place for the feminine energy to flourish it’s innate nurturing behaviors. Being treating as a lady isn’t truly about traditional gender roles, but it’s about an energy exchange — where your softness is met with strength, your care with protection, and your vulnerability with support.

You won’t always get this in your daily life, but you can find activities that more align with that masculine/feminine interplay. Ballroom dancing. Country dancing. Partnered figure skating. Acroyoga.

Find the activities that fulfill your needs of that interplay between the masculine-feminine dance.

The Future You Imagined Together
You’ve built a life in your head a future that made you happy with them. Discussed moving to a new country together, looking into apartments and houses, and deciding on what kind of family life you like. Losing that imagined future can feel like you are losing a big part of yourself — a dream that was almost your reality.

Here’s the thing: life is unpredictable. You have long-term goals that you desire but they’re just goals. Just because you future does not pan out the way you sought it to doesn’t mean that you can’t create a new and even better one. The skill that you have though is being able to adjust your future to what life has thrown at you.

Put that future you had with them in the grave. Create a euology of how beautiful it was and bid your farewells. Take this opportunity to reimagine what you want and to continue to carry out a future that makes you happy. Your life isn’t defined by one relationship, one future — the possibilities are endless. So, just begin trusting yourself and owning your narrative.

Conclusion
You miss these moments, maybe just one, or, perhaps, all. I get it. But, these moments remind us of the beautiful connection we had with another soul. We had the privilege to be able to experience these emotions because not everyone has the opportunity to feel loved for, cared for, and to have someone who they know is looking out for them. The feelings we have create a path for what we know that we will experience again one day in the future.

Your hope isn’t crushed; it’s just tainted. So, untaint your vision of the future.

Only you have the power to let yourself see another perspective of life.

So, what do you miss the most about your previous relationship?