In 27 years of my life, I’ve had a few relationships, but this was my first real relationship as an adult post-university. It was the first relationship I felt healed in. And, it was the only relationship that I truly sought to put effort in. Although it did not end up working out, it makes me happy knowing that if this is where things start — with all of the wonderful memories I have built with him and the hurdles we overcame in the months we were together — then I am beyond excited to see where things will go for the next person I invite in my adventurous life.
My journey to love was not an easy path. I had been in a toxic relationship for 5 years. I’ve been hidden before amongst family and friends. I have been broken up with without knowing that we were official dating. I have had a practice boyfriend to learn communication and unlearn unhealthy habits I picked up along the way. And, I’ve become the relationship coach amongst my friend group and strangers. I’ve seen it, heard it, experienced it…and I’ve learned from all of it.
Through all my experiences, I want to share with you a touch of how I became who I am in my journey to finding love, what I am still trying to achieve personally, and why I consider this my first real relationship. This relationship was relatively short, but it was the first relationship where we had both discussed about our desires in life and how we potentially envision our future together as a couple. And, I was beyond excited to find someone interested in living abroad and experiencing new things in life. For me, it wasn’t a you vs. me situation that some relationships have, but rather a “we.” If there is a hurdle, how do *we* overcome it together. If I am moving somewhere with the military, where would *we* like to live to make this work? We were building a future together.
Why AM I writing about this?
Honestly, it’s because we had just broken up, my mind is non-stop reflecting, and I love documenting my life. Whether it’s something for me to reflect on in the future, a way for me to immortalize a feeling, or a lesson for someone to learn about, I’m more than happy to share. And, I’ve learned its so much healthier to write about a relationship once it has ended than during it, especially since my life is so very public! As a result, this is my “eulogy” toward someone I very much adored and a version of the future I was creating. It is my way of grieving a loss, processing what happened, and trying to get closure. It is my story as you see me rework, in action, how I see life.
He was someone I was falling in love with — someone who I truly respected and saw a potential future with. And, because of that, the 3 months we were together, I’m immortalizing my memories of the relationship. He made a difference in my life and how I perceived the world, and I am forever grateful for that.
How did the relationship begin?
We officially met on April 12, 2024, while I was in Seattle. I officially disenrolled from medical school on April 16.
Yes, it was not that long ago, per say, and probably at one of the most tumultuous times of my life, but, sometimes, when you least expect it, you find love. We’ve spent more time with each other and overcame more hurdles than most couples throughout the relationship, despite being long distance. In that 3 months together, we’ve experienced a year or two worth of dating, so we really had the opportunity to get to know each other.
But, let’s cut to the chase:
At this point of time, I had completed my exams, finished my Family Medicine rotation, and knew that I would be disenrolling as a third year medical student. I had 3 days left in Seattle, so I knew that I could finally take a breath and just enjoy what beautiful of a state Washington is. I loved Washington — the hiking, the country dancing, the food, the nature. It was one of the places I saw myself living in permanently.
So, I hopped on Bumble, matched with Wade, and suggested the most quirky date ever: I wanted to write letters and give presents to children at an orphanage — I missed volunteering, and my heart is rooted in helping children out. He was actually excited and down to do that date, but, unfortunately, that plan did not workout due to regulations of orphanages.
So, we did Plan B instead: we found a place for me to decompress while being surrounded by the most adorable creatures ever. Sammamish Animal Sanctuary, a non-profit that provides forever homes for abused, neglected, unwanted, and/or homeless banyard animals. It was the most perfect date — we both knew nothing about the animals but we loved them, our conversations flowed naturally, and we were attracted to each other. The chemistry was clear, but we both knew I was leaving in a few days, so we were just enjoying the moments getting to know each other. Perhaps gauging to see if there is compatibility for a potential future travel partner?
What initially attracted me to him were his desires to travel, how well he dressed, his passion for personal growth, his humor, and his ability to work remotely. He traveled to places abroad for 2 weeks at a time, and he wanted to visit Japan, Korea, Singapore, Taipei, Denmark, Norway, and Italy. The animal sanctuary went so well, he suggested going to a German pub, where we ordered pretzels, a sausage platter, and pickles. Despite liking him a lot, I paid for my half because I wasn’t sure where things were going, given I only had a few days in Seattle left, and the likelihood of meeting again was slim. I did not want him to feel used. I respected him and admired him as a person.
After lunch, we still did not want to leave each other. So, we sought to find a park nearby to walk and chat, but that “park” turned out to be a full-on hiking adventure! It was clear as day that I was interested in learning more about him, and hiking is the perfect opportunity to talk. Hiking isn’t great as a first date for safety issues (as a disclaimer), but it was perfect for us since it was just us and we were able to chat without hesitation. I’ve learned a lot about him, his family, his views of life, and everything was utter butter to my ears.
I didn’t want to start a relationship because my life was changing and would be changing so much over the next few months. But, I wanted to get to know him. It was also the biggest relief that there was no pressure on my end of marriage, children, or anything, because none of that was on my mind. Navigating stability He piqued my curiosity, and I felt great around him.
After 8 hours, the date ended, and we thought it was the last time we would see each other. I only had 2 days left in Seattle.
The next day, he invited me out to the museum of glass and stopped by bluebird coffee. I introduced him to custom tea — Madhatter tea — where he was able to experience the custom tea that I had created that was being sold by the shop. I had also given some advice to a teenager who was figuring out what she wanted to do in life. I felt happy that I could share what I love to someone else — a taste of how my life was and will once again become. We followed this with a walk in a neighborhood, where we were able to learn even more about each other. And, that night, I couldn’t stop thinking about him.
So, I managed to make time for him and asked if he was free the next day. We ended up having a cute little charcuterie board while watching a movie and meeting his cats. He took me to the airport, and I told him that if he was ever visiting D.C., I would be more than happy to show him around.
I was sad to leave Seattle, but I was more than happy to have ended Seattle on a positive note.
Where did the relationship head?
Within a few days, Wade booked a ticket to Washington, D.C., and stayed for 9 days. He made the effort to book a hotel, visit D.C., and get to know me. And, because our 3 dates went so well, I put my fear of the future aside, and I was willing to see where things went, given some major concerns were addressed: desire to have children, attempt a long-distance relationship, etc.
It wasn’t until his trip to Washington, D.C., in which we really had the time to spend together. We hung out everyday. I was able to make him breakfast. We navigated events, cafes, and a work life. He took me out on a date eating crab legs and attending art prom with me. We had an “engagement”-like photoshoot together. He went on a double date with me doing beat the bomb. We explored the capital and underwent a tour of the world embassy. I showed him one of my favorite museums: glenstone museum. I was able to celebrate his birthday with him. We discussed what we wanted in a relationship. I told him about the military lifestyle and the possibility of me going to South Korea. All my concerns were addressed.
We both wanted a relationship. We were both afraid to see where it would go. But, we were both happy to see where it would go.
The relationship didn’t officially begin until this visit. And, I knew when starting the relationship, there would be a lot of hurdles to overcome. And, I knew that when I said yes, I would put my all in what I had into making this relationship possible. I knew that this relationship was a relationship I had actually wanted to see succeed and that had a chance of succeeding. I was all in.
After the 9 days of visiting me, I drove him to the airport, and I booked a ticket a few weeks later to visit him in Seattle. I spent 6 days in Seattle, where I met his friends, his parents, and was able to see a touch of his lifestyle. I felt loved, cared for, and excited he was inviting me into his life. I absolutely adored his parents as well. His friends welcomed me into their group, and the girlfriends of the friends were fun to hang out with!
At this point, we were discussing a potential trip to Thailand together. He was figuring out how to move to Asia with me. We were looking into what jobs he’s able to do, how to navigate a temporary long distance relationships, where he may be able to live, and how to make this work. We were planning a future in Asia that actually seemed feasible. And, I couldn’t have been more than happy. I was determined to figure out how to make it work, even if he stayed in Seattle. And, he was determined and loved the idea of possibly moving to Japan to be closer to me.
He was able to potentially able to go to Germany, France, Singapore, Poland, Sweden, Netherlands, Ireland, and the United Kingdom, and I knew that I had the possibility of being stationed in, at least, Germany while I am in the military. I saw a potential future where we would both be traveling, exploring cities together, creating new memories. And, I loved it. A best friend, a travel partner, and a lover. We both weren’t pressed to have kids right away either or get married ASAP, so I felt like it was a fantastic fit. I started creating hopes and desires, and he seemed onboard with navigating everything! Any fears and doubts I had, especially early on, he reassured me.
Around this time, I had to leave back to D.C.
So, he booked another ticket to visit me a few weeks later so that we could spent time together before we went to New York city. All in the meanwhile, we continued to have virtual dates, be it cooking together, watching a movie, or playing an online game. I’m not typically a gamer, but I was more than willing to try anything to feel closer to him and maintain the relationship.
I went on my first solo trip down to Virginia Beach, and he reassured me that I could call him whenever I want or if I felt sleepy. Fast forward to Virginia Beach — I booked a hotel room last minute, fell asleep with him on the video call since I felt uneasy, and the next thing I know it, I hear someone banging on my room door telling me to open up. I checked to make sure the latch was on, called Wade back, and he walked me through what to do next because I froze in fear. I ended up calling 911. I wasn’t answering my texts since I didn’t have any signal and since he hadn’t heard from me in a bit, he navigated figuring out which hotel I was staying in, called the front desk and had someone check in on me. Adrenaline from the fight. Dopamine from knowing he was still present even if not physically with me. A secret to attraction, and he became a knight in my eyes.
When he arrived back in D.C., we had double dates. He met several of my friends. He saw a glimpse into how I lived my life. And, we spent 24/7 with each other. Not having the alone time and the freedom to travel accordingly caused some tensions in the relationship, but that was expected since we were practically living together for 2 weeks. It was a glimpse for both of us of how a stressor could play out.
After a heart-heart conversation, clearing the air, and extending my stay a few days in New York, everything felt not only back to normal but better. I felt closer to him because we were able to get every concern we had off our chest and out into the open. And, we did it in a manner that was healthy — we listened, we waited for our turn to speak. No yelling, cursing, name calling, or bickering. I loved it. I loved the maturity in the conversation I saw. We ended the New York with a malatang dinner date, followed by the Book of Mormon.
After New York, I returned to D.C. to close out my medical school life and prepare for a massive trip from D.C. to North Carolina to Texas for the military. When I drove to North Carolina, the longest trip I have ever done solo in one go, he kept assuring me that I could call him if I ever felt sleepy or needed company. I arrived safely.
He had plans on joining me in a few days to take the long trek from North Carolina to Texas; however, but he ended up getting COVID-19 while in New York. After navigating his options, Wade still decided to take the train down from New York to North Carolina to make sure I didn’t drive alone from North Carolina to Texas since he knew that I was nervous and have a tendency of feeling intense fatigue while driving. He quarantined himself in the hotel for a few days. During this time, I was able to cook him some traditional Chinese herbal medicine soup and mussels — and, that made me happy, to be able to care for him in the limitations of social distancing.
It was time for me to leave to Texas, but Wade wasn’t COVID-19 negative yet. It was a risk we both had to take, but, of the two options, driving with me and getting me safely to Texas was of higher priority. So, thus, began our 5 day road trip, in which we, once again, spent 24/7 with each other while he was working and in worse overall conditions, with constant driving, hot weather, and traveler’s fatigue.
Along this journey, I had the opportunity to see how we both navigated communication and stressors when we aren’t at our best and when we are fatigued, hungry, tired, and want some time alone. We stopped by the largest underground lake in the USA (The Lost Sea) in Nashville, TN; viewed the Old Mill, an enchanted storybook-like nature galore in Little Arkansas; met up with my computer science friend, Femi, and viewed an immersive, very trippy art museum Meow Wolf; and had the pleasure of meeting Wade’s sister while trying some of the best BBQ in Austin, TX.
Upon arrival to San Antonio, TX, there was a change of plans, and Wade and I could no longer house together for a few days until my birthday. So, while I was checking in for my work, he was working at a coffee shop, found himself a hotel to stay in for the night, booked a luxurious dinner present as an early birthday gift, and took me out before he left back to Washington.
Now, that I’m reflecting on everything that has happened in 2.5 months, I am, honestly, beyond surprised how many adventures we’ve had and moments of potential strains.
Meeting friends. Meeting family. Sharing with him some of the highlights of my life. Going to several events and exploring so many new things. Traveling across the country to see each other several times. Living together. Saving my life. Taking care of him when he’s ill. Sharing strengths, weaknesses, insecurities…Talking about a potential future together.
We’ve lived 1-2 years worth of a relationship all in 2.5 months. The irony is that we wanted to take things slowly.
How did the relationship end?
When he flew back to Washington state, I was having difficulties at my work. And, I needed more reassurance, more love, more affection than I ever had before. I needed someone to be there for me, yet I could also feel that the constant complaining I did was also creating a toll on the relationship. I started having nightmares, my anxiety shot up, so I sought to facetime more often and find opportunities to have virtual dates. The work situation ended up improving drastically, and I felt happier again. So, naturally, given that I have more time, I started figuring out the next steps after I leave Texas.
When I inquired when he was going to visit and help me drive to California, there was uncertainty in his speech and that baffled me. Later that evening, we called each other, and he had informed me, out of the blue, that he had decided that he does not desire to have children. And, that was the end of it.
A follow-up call was later conducted not to get back together or change his thoughts or anything but to receive clarification of the sudden change. And, he was open to sharing me his thoughts. I already had closure because the end result would be the same, and I could guess what he may say, but it provided me happiness to actually hear that he was willing to share his perspective on everything. We ended on friendly terms. No anger, hatred, etc. This was momentous for me because it changed how I saw a relationship could end with a subsequent follow-up.
Lots of things in a relationship can change. However, the dealbreakers are dealbreakers for a reason. They are things that you won’t change in your life because it is isn’t the life that you want. Being on the same page about family, marriage, and children is crucial for a long-term committed relationship. They were things that I’ve asked early on, but people’s perspectives could always change.
And, for me, the non-negotiable is having children one day.
Thus, it was grieving not only the relationship but also the future we sought to create together.
What I absolutely loved about the relationship?
There’s a lot of things I loved about the relationship. I loved the memories we created together. I loved being able to throw a mini birthday celebration for him. I loved that he was happy to meet my friends. I loved that he introduced me to his friends, showed me his lifestyle, and that I was able to meet his family. I loved the adventures we had. And, I actually loved the highs AND the lows. In the short period of time, I saw how we both managed stress, anxiety, uncertainty, and the unknown. The lows made the highs even better because I was able to see and feel how happy we both were.
What I regret?
I don’t quite regret anything in the relationship, but I do realize it was a very different relationship and timeline schedule than a typical relationship. I’ve put my all into this relationship, given the situation I’m currently undergoing with major changes in my life, and I am beyond happy to know that there was someone out there who I was willing to try to navigate life with.
He was the first actual relationship that made the closest sense of what an actual relationship was. I’ve learned a lot from being together with him, and I couldn’t have been more than grateful for that opportunity — to not only feel loved but also for me to share my love.
What I learned?
- Create his biography.
Create a running notebook that contains everything about your partner. Put this under the “Notes” section of the contact list on your phone. From his biographical information, to his family, to his friends, to upcoming important events, dietary habits, favorite restaurants, travel desires, dates, etc. Basically, become a wizard at remembering all the small things about him. When you’re out and about and he comments on something he likes, note it down. This will be a present in the future. Write down how he is supportive of you and what you love about him. So, you remember to keep on appreciating him. Write down why he likes you. When you’re feeling anxious, look at these notes. Write down potential future date ideas and plans so it makes date planning even easier. And, most importantly, write down what you would like to see in the future from him, what you need to work on, any questions you may want to bring up naturally in the future, and any promises you create. It’s a lot of effort, but it’s worth it. - Show interest in his hobbies.
They’re into gaming or anime but it’s not quite your cup of tea? You don’t need to be interested in all of your partner’s hobbies but at least you could try becoming interested or support him in his hobby. Understanding what makes him happy builds a better connection, and he will sincerely appreciate that you are trying. I poked my head in to the realm of gaming with a co-operative strategy/puzzle like game with low barrier to entry: “We Were Here.” This tested out patience and communication with each other while being a really fun game for me. - Turn critique or requests in a positive light.
Critiques, overtime, can create insecurity or paint your partner in a negative light. For example, instead of saying “I don’t think we are close anymore because I’m always the one initiating conversation,” you can say: “It really makes my day when you call me first or say good morning to me. I think it would be great if we could make this a habit. What are your thoughts?” - Be more direct with your desires.
You need to be direct with what you want. They can’t read your mind. They may come from a different background than you. For me, I love it when I’m taken out on a date. I could dress up, do my hair, put effort into being in my feminine energy. In prior relationships, I rarely paid for dates, and, if I did, it would be considered a sign of appreciation for the date. So, when I dropped hints as to what I would love to do but they were not picked up on, it frustrated me when situations did not come into fruition. I would be left planning and paying for dates that made me happy, and I didn’t feel like I could take on that feminine energy that I truly adore. So, instead of pouting or being confused why situations aren’t happening, navigate it in a positive but direct manner. “I would love to go to the botanical gardens with you. Would you mind grabbing us some tickets?” - Learn what makes you anxious vs. avoidant vs. secure.
When we first began the relationship, I was the one who was avoiding being in the relationship or kept pointing out potential areas in which we might not be a good match. Eg. Moving to Korea, long-distance, etc. He always reassured me, and I loved when he called me out on being avoidant of being in a relationship. It created an underlying strain in the relationship that was not needed. When you learn what makes you anxious or avoidant, you can navigate to find ways to reduce those feelings and become secure in the relationship. - Be supportive of decisions they make about their lives.
You’re dating them, but they have autonomy of what they want. If they want to move to Japan, support them. If they want to quit their job and do a major transition to another country, learn more about their thought process and be supportive. If they want to stop working for the day but you’re are still working, let them relax. - Be okay with the uncomfortable.
I adore chivalry. I adore the traditional masculine/feminine roles. There was often miscommunication or confusion in the relationship because I was used to subtly hinting what I desired, and it often came into fruition. I would say that I adore oysters, and, the next thing I know it, my date invites me to an oyster restaurant. I would go shopping with the date and mention that certain flowers are gorgeous, and, the next thing I know it, there are flowers on my front door. However, these cues are subtle, and they’re not always the easiest to pick up. Instead, I could say, “I really love it when you surprise me with flowers. It always brightens my day to know that you’re thinking of me even when I’m not around. It makes me feel special. Maybe we could make it a little tradition?” You can still get what you want and need to feel loved by clearly stating it. It may be a little uncomfortable, but, if he knows what you like and what makes you feel appreciated it, then it’ll be on him to follow through.